"At a press conference somebody finally stood up to Bush: a bird shit on him. Here's what is wrong with this man: he looked at it, and then wiped it off with his bare hand. And this is the guy who doubts that he descended from an ape." ---Bill Maher
"This week Dick Cheney's daughter, Mary, and her partner, Heather, had a baby boy. Afterwards, Dick Cheney teared up and said, 'I've been asking her to bring a boy home for thirty years.'" ---Conan O'Brien
"Experts said this is going to be a very busy hurricane season. To which FEMA said, 'Not for us.'" ---Jay Leno
"During a concert of the Virginia symphony at the 400th anniversary celebration of Jamestown, President Bush briefly took over conducting the orchestra. Which explains why the orchestra is now four trillion dollars in debt." ---Seth Meyers
"The [Iraq funding] bill contains a plan to establish 18 benchmarks. It's sort of like punishing your child by saying, 'If you don't get your grades up, you are grounded---unless, of course, you would like to go out. And by the way, you are grading yourself. And I keep the pot in the silverware drawer." ---Jon Stewart
GOP willing to kill you for Big Business
You're not gonna believe this one. Oh wait, of course you will:
"The Bush administration said Tuesday it will fight to keep meatpackers from testing all their animals for mad cow disease. " You read that right. The Bush "administration" will fight to keep
meatpackers from testing their animals for mad cow disease. WTF? How does stupid crap like this always end up happening?
A beef producer in the western state of Kansas, Creekstone Farms Premium Beef, wants to test all of its cows.